EPITAPH

(Five people sit on stage. As each speaks their first line, they are lit.)

WILLOW: November 25^th, 2005. 4:28 pm. It was the day before Thanksgiving.

CLAY: February 2nd, 2009. Groundhog Day. The police said it probably happened between 9:30 and 10:00 pm.

 WILLOW: I thought I’d never eat turkey again.

 CLAY: She was staying with me that weekend. I should never have let her go out.

 ELI/LILY: July 17^th, 2008.

 ELI: The early hours of the morning. 2, maybe 3 am? It doesn’t matter….

LILY: I remember the clock on the wall had stopped. I wasn’t wearing a watch, and my phone….

ELI: I fucking hate how hospitals never have cell service. Why is that?

CLAY: Did you ever see that movie, the one with Bill Murray? He keeps doing that day over and over until he gets it right.

JORDAN: October 10^th, 2009. I don’t know what time. They found him the next morning, in his apartment.

LILY: I never dreamed you’d leave in summer. Stevie Wonder. I couldn’t get it out of my head for months.

JORDAN: There were needles everywhere.

LILY: I still can’t get it out of my head.

WILLOW: It was a long time coming, but you always think you have more time. I never said goodbye.

CLAY: I wish I could do that day over.

JORDAN: It doesn’t make any sense. He said he was going clean.

ELI: Mom just wouldn’t stop crying. She always has to cause a scene.

CLAY: I’m such a terrible father. Why didn’t I ever say no?

LILY: The shock, it was overwhelming. I was crying so hard and Elijah, he just stood there….

 (the scene quiets. Lights go out except on Willow)

WILLOW: Sometimes I feel that death surrounds me. That loss is more a part of my life than anyone else I know. It’s as if it’s quietly stalking me, taking everyone else but waiting – quietly, patiently waiting for me. I’m not afraid of it. It doesn’t really faze me. Almost as if I’ve become desensitized to it. Almost as if I won’t care at all when it comes for me. See, I’ve realized a lot about it. We always think of it as an ending, a final point on the continuum of our lives. . . but it’s not. It’s not a point on the continuum but a continuum in itself – there is the dying, the death, and then everything that comes after. The processing, the grief, the stages of loss. Death merely indicates the first in a long line of dominoes to fall, the beginning of a chain of cause and effect with an indefinite and entirely unpredictable ending.  I have walked through it multiple times now, both myself and alongside others. I have come through the journey and seen it on both sides. I know I will walk it again, but every time it looks different. The direction is the same, but the path has changed. The path always changes, and it is only when everything ends that we find our true beginnings. So is this the beginning, or the end? You decide.

Hey,

There is nothing in this that was meant to be hurtful, and no part of this is angry.

I know you're really pissed at me right now. I wouldn't be surprised if you've decided to completely axe me out of your life all together. I'm sure some of your friends have probably told you to, and I can't say I'd completely disagree with them right now. Maybe it would end up better for both of us if we just quit, cold turkey. I don't know. If what you need is stability then I'm the last person you should be around right now. Either way, there are things I'm going to explain and I can't make you listen and you obviously have no obligation to, but I can at least put them out there for you to read if you so choose.

I am sorry about lashing out at you about the pictures. It was pretty uncalled for. Sometimes when I do things like that I just feel like "hell, what do I have to lose? It's not like we'll ever be friends anyway." Terrible attitude, I guess. Maybe you think my apologies are meaningless, because I'll just keep having episodes like this, but hey, at least I apologize for shit I do that I feel bad about or think I did wrong. You can't say that for everyone. I can't promise that I won't have angry days or lash out at you ever again, but I can promise that I'll be sorry about it. Anyway, as for the pictures. Seriously, it doesn't matter to me who you're seeing or taking pictures with or sleeping with. Ok, well, yeah it does. But I'm not going to get angry at you for that, because it doesn't concern me anymore. I was angry because from the tags on the pictures, it implied that you were a team with this girl who was definitely not the person you told me you took. I was angry because I thought you lied. Finding out about your banquet hurt me more than you can begin to know. Seriously, I would have been way less upset had you just told me you wanted to take your roommate because of the state of our relationship than you saying it wasn't a date function. I find out you lied about something, then I start to think, "Who's to say it wasn't all lies?" Everything I thought was real, certain with you has kinda gotten scattered to the winds in the last few months and that's really hard to deal with. Being with you, for the first ten months at least, was the best thing that's ever happened to me and it kills me to have to question how much of it was real. Anyway, the other reason why I want to apologize for my reaction is that it was pretty hypocritical. I haven't been honest about everything, at least not since the incident this summer. Yeah, I know that's shitty. But again, at least I'm trying to atone for it. If you want truth then I'll give it to you, and if you don't I'll understand. Its your call.

I'm sure some people in your life think I'm being wretched and an insensitive bitch for throwing all this at you on top of everything right now. Sometimes I start to wonder that myself, but I promise that's not my intention. I will say right now that I would have been the most incredible, loving, supportive, empathetic girlfriend you could imagine had you chosen that. There are so many things I would have been able to say and do for you to help you through this time and I would have been all of that in a heartbeat. But you chose to call her instead of me that week. You chose to put me where I am now. I'm not angry about it and I'm not trying to hurt you with that statement, but it does make me sad, because I don't think you know what you missed out on in having someone alongside you who's been through this. I went through it alone but on the other side, I would never have chosen that for myself had I had the option. It was like going through hell and back again. As for my current treatment of you, well, I don't expect less of you because your dad died. I always refused to play the dead parent card, it pissed me off when people tried to play it for me, and I wouldn't be suprised if you did the same. There's a reason you didn't want people to know about it, you said it yourself - you didn't want to be treated differently. You don't want special treatment, and I doubt you'll give anyone the opportunity to do so. So I'm not going to use it as your excuse, and I hope that deep down you appreciate that.

Look, I wish I could be handling everything with more grace right now. It's pretty disturbing to me because it's never happened before, where I was having as much difficulty coping with something as I am this. I honestly can't explain it, and I hate that I'm not stronger than this. You should know me enough to know that that's true. But I'm obviously really fragile right now, since stupid things set me off that much. The dreams have been horrible, and they're getting worse. I wake up crying, seething with anger, sometimes even screaming. And I am really, really insecure right now. You made that comment when we talked the night before the funeral and I know I tried to fend it off but let's be real, did you expect me to not be insecure after this summer? Now, what I'm so afraid of is feeling completely worthless. That's what's behind all of this. I feel like if you or I go off and immediately start having sex with someone or having drunken hookups then it makes what we had meaningless. You being my first meant a lot to me, it really did, and I don't ever want to regret that. But it feels like too many people in my life are poised to spring, to tell me "I told you so", that they always knew it would end up like this and I hate it. I just want to believe that you're hurting too from everything, but when all I see is the face you put on that everything's fine, it does make me feel worthless, because it's like I never meant anything to you. I think back on the times like when you told me that cheating on me was the biggest mistake of your life, and I wonder what happened since then. Maybe this is how you want me to feel, I don't know. I just feel like I should explain myself to you a little. Maybe that does nothing, but whatever, at least I've been open about it. I really am in a lot of pain, and its not just from the demise of our relationship. Seeing you that week in Orlando forced me to regrieve and reprocess my own experiences, and it sucks, because I haven't ever really done that as an adult and its very different and very shitty. So yes, I'm hurting, and I'm ok with you knowing that. You're not at that point yet, and that's fine. Maybe you never will be. I can say though, that if I see that you are hurting, I won't ever add to your pain.

I'm not going to say that I'm doing well, I'm obviously not, but life isn't totally pessimistic for me either. It still all feels like waking up from a very long dream, tho, like I'm gradually beginning to come back to life, but there's still a long time to come.Things are getting better, albeit slowly, and there are lots of things to look forward to right now. My soon-to-be sisters are amazing, they're really helping the situation and its great to have other things to focus on. Maybe you'll get to meet them someday if we all make it through this; they are going to be very important in my life as you have been, so I hope that eventually paths will cross.

As many things as I've realized were wrong about us, there was one thing that was really right. In you I felt I met my match - my equal, in wit and intelligence and so many other things. I've never felt that way about anyone. I guess that's what made watching it all fall apart so hard.

So I guess we could cut each other out of our lives completely now. I'm sure it wouldn't be that difficult, I never run into you anyway. Maybe that would be best for both of us. Thinking about it is hard, like part of me feels like that's not how its supposed to be, that you should be in my life in some form. But I guess I've done it with other guys. I did it with the one before you. I did it with the one before that, though it took me a while. I could do it with you. But if you think we should, well, then just tell me so I know to never send you a text again or call you on the holidays.

I want you to know that I started working on Epitaph again. Our experiences this fall have kindof reshaped it, and I'm interested to see how it will eventually turn out. I hope that someday you will read it.

Never forget how many people care about you, myself included.

Peace,
Jane

i've never written anything in the spoken word/def jam style of poetry, but i figured now is as good a time as any to try it.

EVERY DAY (LIFE WITHOUT YOU)

Every day is different
and every day it feels oh, so new
so fresh, like I'll never get over you
some days I'm so angry I don't know what to do
some days all I feel is pity for you
cause I'm hurting and I know that you are too
but you just don't show it
you just try to blow it
off so people don't know it
they don't know your pain, your hurt, your tears
your guilt, your sadness, your anger, your fears
but you and I know that face is a lie
like so many you've told me that I always tried
to forget about so we could move on
and be happy again, but that time is gone
gone like your old self
gone like your dead father
gone like the times when you never bothered
to try and work things out, to fight for me,
for us, for this love, for eternity
i'm tired of screaming when I'm never heard
tired of hearing you throw around that word
you don't know what it means, so why do you say it?
you're just hurting people, and you better pray it
don't come back around, cause karma's no shit
and you gotta get your life together bit by bit
but I ain't waiting around for you
I'm done, that's it, no more, I'm through.
JP 11/25/09

Forgiveness cannot change the past, but it can enlarge the future. - my fortune cookie

is it possible that if you pretend for so long to have something that you lost, and then you get it back, it is no longer real? can it still be revalidated with love and time? sometimes i wonder.

i have fought so hard yet now i stop and start to wonder what if what i've been fighting for can even exist any more. it saddens me greatly to ask that question. i wish i didn't have to, but i do.

the truth is that i know the answer is no, at least not entirely the way that it was. the way that we were. i've wanted to believe that forgiveness and love would heal everything - that i would be able, through my reaction, to right a wrong i never committed. but that's not really possible. can things still be good, even great between us? yes. can they be as they were before? no.

i had what could pretty much be considered the easiest relationship known to man. for nine months there was nothing - not a blip on the radar, no problems, nothing. there was no need for distrust or questioning. there was innocence.

that doesn't, can't exist any more. but something else can - an older, deeper understanding, if we are ready for it. are we? i truly don't know. only time will tell.

while loving forgiveness cannot return what was lost, it is impossible to find a way forward without it.

I'm coming home, I'm waking you up
In the middle of the night, I'm not giving up
I'm gonna stay til we work it out
We're not going down even if it get's worse
We'll work it out......

i have always refused to compromise when it comes to my plans for my life. Always put my adventures ahead of those i care about. yet now, on a new journey, one i have always wanted to undertake, i find myself torn between the two.

i cannot immerse myself in the journey while he stays at the forefront of my mind, yet i cannot fully fight for him from 4000 miles away. i am caught at a crossroads.

perhaps the decision would be obvious to any other rational human being. because logically, i shouldn't be the one fighting. however, rationality has not always served me well. emotion over logic, passion over reason. that is who i am.

the funny part is that before this all happened, i had come to realize that i would sacrifice my ideas about adventures on my own, my crazy independent streak, if i could have that time with him. and even now, i would still. perhaps that is setting myself up for disaster again. perhaps i have a self-destructive personality. but i know in my heart that i would rather be with him and be hurt than be hurting without him.

loving someone is accepting that they are not perfect, that they are human, and still wanting them.

i know that it is easier for him to bury his feelings and try to walk away than to accept forgiveness and work for this. but i refuse to believe that deep down, that's really how he wants this to end. i learned something when i stepped out on that limb last time. i learned that i love him more than i ever thought i would and that i will fight for him no matter what, even if it tears me apart. there is no turning back now. i will go down with the ship, if that is where it is headed, so be it. i will risk causing myself all of the pain in the world for the chance of a life with him.



and time weaves ribbons of memory
to sweeten life when youth is through
but i would need no memories there
if i could share my life with you........

What's the most beautiful thing you've seen this week?
New green.

last week was rough, and that's putting it mildly. maybe it was that i just really needed a vacation, maybe it was that i haven't had an emotional breakdown in over a year, maybe it was time for my procrastination to catch up to me - who knows, i don't, and i don't care. it doesn't matter now. so, after not sleeping for several days, skipping a test, watching my computer swallow a finished paper whole, and dropping a class, i went home. i'd planned the trip in advance on a whim, i had no idea how desperately it would actually be needed.

i wanted to go home in april for a number of reasons, a big one being that i could get my fix of spring. the thing i really miss living in miami is seasons, so now i try to go home at least four times a year to get a bit of all of them. spring is really important to me, to my health and well being.  it is a reminder to me of the natural order of rebirth. to me there is nothing more beautiful than the sight of new green, when everything is just beginning to bloom and emerge from winter's gray. i love it. i need it. and i got it this weekend.

i spent friday afternoon in the woods. the weather and time of year was perfect - too early for the bugs of summer, too late to get cold fording streams. Emerson said "In the woods, we return to reason and faith." its so true. we don't really have woods here in miami, and i think that's what allows my life to become so unreasonable sometimes. i need the woods. i need seasons. i love my school, but there's no way i can spend more than four years in this city. it messes with your head.

maybe my life has been becoming too old, to repetitive lately. maybe i needed to be shocked out of  it, thrown into something new. beyond the structure of what i "have" to do, how i "have" to take so many classes and "have" to cram so much into the time that i have and "have" to apply to all the prestigious hoo-ha. well, maybe that isn't me, and maybe i needed to be reminded of it. the woods have a way of doing that. maybe that isn't who i am, or who i'm going to be. perhaps i needed to start over. become new again.

recrudesence. rawness. newness. new green. new life.




peace,
jane

last night i dreamt about my first love.

i dreamt that we were friends, that we had lunch and went walking in the woods.

if i could have a wish granted, i'd wish for that dream to be true.


i know that he wasn't really right for me, that he wasn't just the right person at the wrong time, that it never could have worked out. i overcame that a while ago. but he was something else to me, a friend in a time of dire need. perhaps he was just put in my life for those moments to get me through that time, but is it too much to ask to have that friend back? that friend who cared, cared about the earth and about me and who i trusted with so much, who shared his heart and his soul with me for those passing moments? i miss that friend.

take the lover away from me - that i can live with. but the friend, couldn't you leave him? perhaps its my fault that he's gone. who can say for certain? but to have him back, just as that friend, just for a time, would be the sweetest thing I could dream of.





shalom,
jane

forget internships, forget fellowships, forget structure.

i'm going on a journey this summer.

i'm going to hitchike, backpack, hop a train, stay in hostel, surf a couch, work a farm, and i'm going to do it all 4,160 miles from home.

i'm going to alaska, loves.

ever since i found that poster of denali and put it up in my room, i've wanted to go. spend a summer doing whatever the hell i felt like, feel the wilderness, pull a chris mccandless without the dying part. and now it's going to happen, i'm going to make it happen, and I couldn't be more excited.

i love the way life works sometimes :)

there isn't much that really antagonizes me.

but there are some things.

for instance, when people use tools that are designed to help them help other people (change the world, etc) to help themselves. you know, going to a program designed for young social innovators to network and gain resources.......so that they can put it on their resume and further their own advancement.

the older i get, the more i detest and reject things like ambition and competition.

but is it possible to win a victory for those who need one without playing the game?

i don't like sucking up. i don't like climbing over others, clawing my way to the top. i don't like going behind the backs of those who trust me. i don't like compromising the things that are important to me.

i'm a poli sci major who hates politics. ironic, no? i knew that going in. but i also knew that you have to understand the game in order to outwit it..........

........in order to change it.

slowly i learn not to make plans.

perhaps i should know by now that my life comes in unpredictable bursts.

slowly i learn to accept this.

perhaps its time to reject the standards of society and assume my own course.


i dont even see the point anymore in trying to make plans ahead of time for me, because its always a dismal failure. where will i end up this summer? who in hell knows. i don't. i thought i had an inkling and then it went out the window. i suppose theres no point in getting my hopes up for things that I would know about months in advance, because the truth is they won't happen.

is it wrong to feel that going home is not an option?
does it even matter to me if it is?
didn't i give that up a while ago?


i guess the real question is, do I even really want to know where i'm going?