1) What is your purpose? If you had to describe your calling in life, what would you say? What are you here to do? What gift is yours to give to the world?

 

I am called to love and protect the earth, and to share that love and inspire and help others to do the same.

2) What do you love, and how do (or will) your actions demonstrate this?  What do you care about, and what do you most enjoy doing?

 

I have, since the time I was a small child, fallen irrevocably in love with the beauty of the natural world.  The woods went from being my playground to being my sanctuary, and without my experiences in the open air I would never have become the person who I am today. I feel that the brokenness in the world today exists because people have lost sight of their roots in the earth and forget to acknowledge it as the ultimate necessity. My greatest passions are two-fold: one, experiencing and protecting the beauty of the earth, and two, bringing peace to the broken places.  I am intrinsically drawn to places many would consider “war zones”, particularly those where fighting is due to conflict over land or other natural resources. I love helping and watching people heal, and helping them do so through reconnecting with the earth. To me there is no greater endeavour than expressing to others my passion for these things and inspiring them to find and confront the need for healing and nature within themselves. I try to do this in every way I know possible – through discussion over coffee, recommending books or movies with related themes, walks in the woods or along the ocean – but first and foremost, through offering myself as a servant to communities with a similar need thereby affecting lives and inspiring others to follow my lead.

3) Write your ideal job description. If you could get paid just to live, how would you spend your time? What would you devote your life to? What would your days be like?

 

I would work in a community that was self-sufficient, or very nearly so, and that was small enough to the point that I could know nearly everyone and have relationships with them. I would live with people of diverse cultures and backgrounds who were focused on pursuing their passions and loving one another rather than the pursuit of wealth. I would want to work to improve and/or maintain the sustainability of this community. My job would not be all-consuming and leave me time to think, to read, to create, and to spend time with friends or a family.  However, it would give me the opportunity to travel to other communities (and larger cities and governments) to help them to evaluate their own environmental impacts, put into place more sustainable practices, and mediate disputes over resources. It would allow me to work outside some or most of the time and not require an 8am – 5pm workday with me spending its entirety behind a desk at a computer. It would not involve me getting up early. I would have access to some technology, but would not be overwhelmed by its presence. Through travel I would not be confined by the community, but be able to have a variety of experiences elsewhere and use that experience to help my community as well as others.

 

 

shalom,

jane

 

All in all, 2008 turned out to be a pretty damn good year. I took interesting classes (AND did well in them, wow!), started learning Hebrew, had an incredible summer internship, started a job I love with people I love to work with, and met an absolutely wonderful guy.The year, God, and the fates have treated me well and I feel extremely blessed - and what's more, I still feel there may be even better things to come in 2009. Travels (hopefully!) at last to the middle east, new opportunities to love those around me, and the continuance of what has been my happiest and best relationship to date. The future looks bright.

I'm never much good with resolutions; like the rest of the world, I usually tend to abandon them before I even get started. What would I like to do? Keep my room cleaner and my door open more and get to know my residents better. Find the money to travel outside north america. Get my first-ever 4.0 in the coming semester. Read the Torah in the original hebrew.  Have a significant impact on the life of a stranger or someone I don't expect to. Start tithing on a regular basis. Practice piano again.  Will I manage to do any, let alone all of these? Quite possibly not.  Some of them are lofty goals, others not so lofty, but regardless, my ability or inability to accomplish them comes back to one thing.

Focus.
My one true resolution, and for that matter the hardest one of all, is to stay focused. On what I want, what I feel meant to do, and what is really best for myself and more importantly, the world around me.  Perhaps it isn't worth striving for because I'm ultimately doomed to failure. But I was never one to give up without trying.



shalom,
jane

So humor me: Now, after at last having successfully made it into my 20's, I have joined the swooning hordes of 12-year-old girls and succumbed to the romantic phenomenon that is Edward Cullen.

It's downright pathetic.

I figured I would read the Twilight books, after all, as a well-versed reader with an interest in pop-culture movements I felt I was somewhat obligated to. However, I did not expect them to be anywhere near as captivating or addicting as they appear to be to the rest of the world.

It turns out, I was wrong. They're sort of like heroin. Not that I consider myself a drug-user by any means, but, let's be honest: I've read the first three books in the last 24 hours, and will most likely be finished with the fourth one by the end of tomorrow. Now I know that I read ridiculously fast (each volume took me roughly 3.5 hours to finish) and for that matter, the saga doesn't exactly require an advanced reading level, but seriously? It's not Harry Potter, for godsake. It really is rather irrational. What is it that is so compelling about these damn books?

Ok, so I suppose that question doesn't need to be asked. Its the love story, duh. That love between Edward and Bella that leaves every normal human female - regardless of whether they are in a happy relationship or not - craving a passion that overcomes all barriers, no matter how high. I mean, let's be real: I'm pretty darn sure I've been in love before, and for that matter I have an absolutely incredible boyfriend who makes me ridiculously happy, but nonetheless, the more I read about these star-crossed lovers, the more I find myself thinking Well, damn. Am I ever going to find something like that?

Now keep in mind, I am not looking for a vampire. Definitely not. I enjoy my own mortality, thankyou very much.

But anyway, as I kept on reading, I had a few revalations about this wierd love thing. First, let's face it, ithe whole passion bit gets a little overexaggerated in books. I'm not saying passion shouldn't or doesn't have to be there in a romantic relationship, hell yes it does, but its not going to be there every minute of every day. Its just not. But as I started to think about my own relationship in comparison to Bella & Edward (come on, who doesn't?) I realized that some points weren't so far off.

Sacrifice, for one. Bella's humanity is the obvious, but its clear, especially as we delve deeper into their relationship, that there are a great number of give and takes that must be made, compromises and so on. I think that's a hard truth, and for that matter a great indicator of the strength of a relationship. I guess that's why I saw a definitive turning point in my own relationship when Wes offered to move so that we could stay together without me having to quit/lose my job. Truthfully, I wasn't expecting it at all and the action substantially altered the way I think about him and our relationship.

Another thing that hit me really hard was the way Bella felt when Edward was gone. Now, I don't exactly go into hibernation when he isn't around, but recently, having spent the first extended period of time away from each other since the start of our relationship, I realized how much I honestly miss Wes. Its extremely wierd, considering that what led me to breaking up with my last boyfriend (whom I had essentially agreed to marry, crazy as that may be) was the revelation I had after leaving for college that I really didn't, well, miss him at all. So the feeling is pretty bizarre and foreign to me.

I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this, except to say that after all my thoughts about what I was missing out on in not dating a vampire, I suddenly became extremely thankful for what I do have. To say that I'm very content with him doesn't quite do it justice, I don't think. I have no idea how long this crazy boy is going to be in my life. But for now at least, Bella can keep Edward. I'm quite happy with what I've got.



shalom,
jane

I finally took down my holiday decorations today. Its generally my least favorite part of the season, and this year it seemed even worse than normal, I guessbecause  it never really felt like Christmas to me. I know it would break my father's heart to hear that, but its something I just have to acknowledge to myself. I could make up a bunch of flimsy excuses as to why I think that is or just pretend that I don't know, but the truth is, I have a pretty good idea.

I guess I can attribute part of it to the fact that I didn't get home and into the Advent mood until December 20th - even after 2 years in Miami, I still find it impossible to even think about Christmas while I'm still in 80 degree weather. But I know even then its not just a climate thing. Its about tradition. Now I know its silly, and I know Christmas is about much more than tradition, but its important to me and I can't help that. I know my brother doesn't really get it, and I know he can't really put much value to it given that he's married now and things are different. I know he has to start his own traditions, with his wife, but he's such a part of our traditions that when he's gone it just feels....empty. Even more empty than it has been with mom gone. That's the thing about tradition - it's how I keep her alive. The memory, at least. Now, with each year that passes she slips further and further away. Its only been 6 years and yet I can barely feel her, barely remember what her presence felt like. What will be left when its been 10 years? 15? 20?

I know I always shy away from thoughts of marriage and babies, freak out when my friends talk about having them, wanting them, and give the excuse that I have zero maternal instincts and I'll just get a dog instead. But the truth is, the idea of motherhood absolutely terrifies me. I mean, its not like it would be anytime soon anyway, but that's the thing - the longer I wait, the farther away I get from the memory of what it was like to have a mom. So how the hell am I ever going to have a chance at being a good mother if at age 20 I already can't even remember what it felt like to have one?

Last night I wrote a new poem.

I haven't written a new poem in ages.

I haven't had real inspiration in ages.

Its very strange, though, that it was anger that motivated me. I haven't been motivated by anger in a long time, and it was kind of frightening, disturbing really, to encounter that side of me.

But he called me a siren.

I am not a person of small conscience, I am generally prone to large guilt trips, and I never manage to hurt someone without feeling equally the pain I have inflicted upon them. So to claim that I did it purposefully, that I meant to shatter him again and again.......that is uncalled for. That is foul, in every sense of the word.

I know what I did to him. I know that he is the way he is because of me. However, even though I know it's no excuse, we were young. Stupid. Extremely misguided. I didn't even know myself well enough to know what I really wanted or needed or felt called to do. And clearly he didn't know me either.

I was never an angel, and I could never really save him from the pit of his despair. He needed much more than me - he needed faith, and he needed to confront what haunted him most, his loneliness, and make peace with it. Perhaps I gave him the path to both. Perhaps neither. Either way, the girl in his stories is not me. Maybe he saw what he wanted, needed to see. But what I've learned is that you cannot pretend to be someone beyond yourself for the sake of someone else, at least not for long, and still be truly happy and healthy.

Although some of that season was wonderful and some was torturous, the biggest part of it was that I learned the importance of identity. So let me tell you, now, about myself:

I am not your fair-haired angel set aside to gather moss
I am not your savior left alone upon a cross
I am not your siren calling you to your grave
Nor am I your helpless damsel waiting to be saved.

So do not look for me on a pedestal for all the world to admire
Do not look for me on a hillside, waiting for the burning fire
Do not look for me in the ocean, crying from the rocks
Do not look for me in a tower, letting down my locks

Once I was what you were looking for, or at least, I tried to be
But that was not the truth, nor will it ever be.

For I am in the fields, and in the trees, and in the sky
I am in the rushing river and the wind that breezes by
I am in everything that is at peace when wild and free
That is all I ever was, and all I ever hope to be

So do not drown me with your worship, do not bind me with your ties
I am not, nor was I ever that goddess in your eyes.


shalom,
jane

I drove to Nashville today to visit my brother, and on the way, I thought a lot about brokeness. How it's all around us, in so many different forms, and how what I want most to do is help fix it - yet I don't even know where or how to begin.

I see it half a world a way, in a land torn apart by anger and bitterness and an endless cycle of revenge, a fight between two peoples who both believe the land is rightfully theirs, neither willing to let go or compromise. It breaks my heart to know of the lives that have been ripped asunder by this endless fighting. I want to go to this land, to meet these people, to be neutral and negotiate, to offer myself as a servant to those in need of healing, but those close to me say the land is too broken, too dangerous, too far gone for it to be worth the risk. But if no one takes a risk to make a stand for what they believe in, how can the healing ever begin?

I see it in my own home, in my father - a man who is but half a man, unable to compensate having lost the person he loved more than the world. Looking at him, the obvious assumption is that he has a severe personality disorder; schizophrenia, perhaps, or Asbergers. Perhaps he does. I am no psychological expert. But what I do know is that he is broken. Horribly broken, and he has no idea. To him, he should be "past" the stages of grief by now, so therefore he must be. He has found himself on a quest to tell people of the power of God to provide physical healing from death and disease, but the truth is that he is the one who needs the healing the most - healing of the soul. If I could carry him through this, take him beyond this endless cycle of denial and anger, I would do so in a heartbeat. But I can't. Part of me believes I need to let him fight his own way through this because there is no other way, while the other part of me cries that to leave him alone is to leave him to ultimate failure and utter defeat.

What can I do? I know I am called to the broken places, but I haven't the slightest idea what to do once I get there.


shalom,
jane

Where do you find the sacred in your life?

I find it in all wild spaces. I believe that everything that is a creation of God is sacred and should be regarded and treated as such. I have always found solace in the woods, but this is more difficult for me now that I live in Miami. If I am away from them too long, I can begin to feel broken. Sometimes when I am seeking peace I can find it simply lying on the campus green in the sunshine, but if I have a more desperate need I go to the ocean to find it. The vastness of the sea creates a great calming presence, and I feel drawn to allow my problems and stress to float out with the tide. And there is nothing like the wind off the sea for cleansing the soul.