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christmas
August 2009 
And the music fades out....
Posted on Jan 3rd, 2009
by 
Jane
Jane
I finally took down my holiday decorations today. Its generally my least favorite part of the season, and this year it seemed even worse than normal, I guessbecause it never really felt like Christmas to me. I know it would break my father's heart to hear that, but its something I just have to acknowledge to myself. I could make up a bunch of flimsy excuses as to why I think that is or just pretend that I don't know, but the truth is, I have a pretty good idea.
I guess I can attribute part of it to the fact that I didn't get home and into the Advent mood until December 20th - even after 2 years in Miami, I still find it impossible to even think about Christmas while I'm still in 80 degree weather. But I know even then its not just a climate thing. Its about tradition. Now I know its silly, and I know Christmas is about much more than tradition, but its important to me and I can't help that. I know my brother doesn't really get it, and I know he can't really put much value to it given that he's married now and things are different. I know he has to start his own traditions, with his wife, but he's such a part of our traditions that when he's gone it just feels....empty. Even more empty than it has been with mom gone. That's the thing about tradition - it's how I keep her alive. The memory, at least. Now, with each year that passes she slips further and further away. Its only been 6 years and yet I can barely feel her, barely remember what her presence felt like. What will be left when its been 10 years? 15? 20?
I know I always shy away from thoughts of marriage and babies, freak out when my friends talk about having them, wanting them, and give the excuse that I have zero maternal instincts and I'll just get a dog instead. But the truth is, the idea of motherhood absolutely terrifies me. I mean, its not like it would be anytime soon anyway, but that's the thing - the longer I wait, the farther away I get from the memory of what it was like to have a mom. So how the hell am I ever going to have a chance at being a good mother if at age 20 I already can't even remember what it felt like to have one?
I guess I can attribute part of it to the fact that I didn't get home and into the Advent mood until December 20th - even after 2 years in Miami, I still find it impossible to even think about Christmas while I'm still in 80 degree weather. But I know even then its not just a climate thing. Its about tradition. Now I know its silly, and I know Christmas is about much more than tradition, but its important to me and I can't help that. I know my brother doesn't really get it, and I know he can't really put much value to it given that he's married now and things are different. I know he has to start his own traditions, with his wife, but he's such a part of our traditions that when he's gone it just feels....empty. Even more empty than it has been with mom gone. That's the thing about tradition - it's how I keep her alive. The memory, at least. Now, with each year that passes she slips further and further away. Its only been 6 years and yet I can barely feel her, barely remember what her presence felt like. What will be left when its been 10 years? 15? 20?
I know I always shy away from thoughts of marriage and babies, freak out when my friends talk about having them, wanting them, and give the excuse that I have zero maternal instincts and I'll just get a dog instead. But the truth is, the idea of motherhood absolutely terrifies me. I mean, its not like it would be anytime soon anyway, but that's the thing - the longer I wait, the farther away I get from the memory of what it was like to have a mom. So how the hell am I ever going to have a chance at being a good mother if at age 20 I already can't even remember what it felt like to have one?
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