no white flags

i have always refused to compromise when it comes to my plans for my life. Always put my adventures ahead of those i care about. yet now, on a new journey, one i have always wanted to undertake, i find myself torn between the two.

i cannot immerse myself in the journey while he stays at the forefront of my mind, yet i cannot fully fight for him from 4000 miles away. i am caught at a crossroads.

perhaps the decision would be obvious to any other rational human being. because logically, i shouldn't be the one fighting. however, rationality has not always served me well. emotion over logic, passion over reason. that is who i am.

the funny part is that before this all happened, i had come to realize that i would sacrifice my ideas about adventures on my own, my crazy independent streak, if i could have that time with him. and even now, i would still. perhaps that is setting myself up for disaster again. perhaps i have a self-destructive personality. but i know in my heart that i would rather be with him and be hurt than be hurting without him.

loving someone is accepting that they are not perfect, that they are human, and still wanting them.

i know that it is easier for him to bury his feelings and try to walk away than to accept forgiveness and work for this. but i refuse to believe that deep down, that's really how he wants this to end. i learned something when i stepped out on that limb last time. i learned that i love him more than i ever thought i would and that i will fight for him no matter what, even if it tears me apart. there is no turning back now. i will go down with the ship, if that is where it is headed, so be it. i will risk causing myself all of the pain in the world for the chance of a life with him.



and time weaves ribbons of memory
to sweeten life when youth is through
but i would need no memories there
if i could share my life with you........